The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 8/Polite Conversation - Dialog I.
A COMPLETE
COLLECTION
OF POLITE AND INGENIOUS
CONVERSATION[1].
IN SEVERAL DIALOGUES.
The MEN.
Lord Sparkish.
Lord Smart.
Sir John Linger.
Mr. Neverout.
Col. Atwit.
The LADIES.
Lady Smart.
Miss Notable.
Lady Answerall.
ARGUMENT.
POLITE CONVERSATION, &c.[2]
Lord Sparkish meeting Col. Atwit.
Col. WELL met, my lord.
Ld. Sparkish. Thank ye, Colonel. A parson would have said, I hope we shall meet in Heaven. When did you see Tom Neverout?
Col. He's just coming toward us. Talk of the devil—
Neverout comes up.
Col. How do you do, Tom?
Neverout. Never the better for you.
Col. I hope you're never the worse: but pray where's your manners? don't you see my lord Sparkish?
Neverout. My lord, I beg your lordship's pardon.
Ld. Sparkish. Tom, how is it that you can't see the wood for trees? What wind blew you hither?
Neverout. Why my lord, it is an ill wind blows no body good; for it gives me the honour of seeing your lordship.
Col. Tom, you must go with us to lady Smart's to breakfast.
Neverout. Must! why, colonel, must's for the king.
Col. Have you spoke with all your friends?
Neverout. Colonel, as you're stout, be merciful.
Ld. Sparkish. Come, agree, agree; the law's costly.
Col. Well, Tom, you are never the worse man to be afraid of me. Come along.
Neverout. What! do you think I was born in a wood, to be afraid of an owl?
I'll wait on you. I hope miss Notable will be there; egad she's very handsome, and has wit at will.
Col. Why every one as they like, as the good woman said when she kiss'd her cow.
Lord Smart's House; they knock at the door; the Porter comes out.
Lord Sparkish. Pray, are you the porter?
Porter. Yes, for want of a better.
Ld. Sparkish. Is your lady at home?
Porter. She was at home just now; but she's not gone out yet.
Neverout. I warrant this rogue's tongue is well hung.
Lady Smart's Antichamber.
Lady Smart and Lady Answerall at the tea table.
Lady Smart. My lord, your lordship's most humble servant.
Ld. Sparkish. Madam, you spoke too late; I was your ladyship's before.
Lady Smart. O! colonel, are you here?
Col. As sure as you're there, madam.
Lady Smart. O, Mr. Neverout! What such a man alive!
Neverout. Ay, madam, alive, and alive like to be, at your ladyship's service.
Lady Smart. Well, I'll get a knife, and nick it down that Mr. Neverout came to our house. And pray what news, Mr. Neverout?
Neverout. Why, madam, queen Elizabeth's dead.
Lady Smart. Well, Mr. Neverout, I see you are no changeling.
Miss Notable comes in.
Neverout. Miss, your slave: I hope your early rising will do you no harm. I find you are but just come out of the cloth market.
Miss. I always rise at eleven, whether it be day or no.
Col. Miss, I hope you are up for all day.
Miss. Yes, if I don't get a fall before night.
Col. Miss, I heard you were out of order; pray how are you now?
Miss. Pretty well, colonel, I thank you.
Col. Pretty and well, miss! that's two very good things.
Miss. I mean I am better than I was.
Neverout. Why then, 'tis well you were sick.
Miss. What! Mr. Neverout, you take me up before I'm down.
Lady Smart. Come let us leave off children's play, and go to pushpin.
Miss. [To lady Smart.] Pray, madam, give me some more sugar to my tea.
Col. O! miss,, you must needs be very good humour'd, you love sweet things so well.
Neverout. Stir it up with the spoon, miss; for the deeper the sweeter.
Lady Smart. I assure you, miss, the colonel has made you a great compliment.
Miss. I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, complimenting is lying.
Lady Smart. [To lord Sparkish.] My lord, methinks the sight of you is good for sore eyes; if we had known of your coming, we would have strown rushes for you; how has your lordship done this long time?
Col. Faith, madam, he's better in health than in good conditions.
Ld. Sparkish. Well; I see there's no worse friend than one brings from home with one; and I am not the first man has carried a rod to whip himself.
Neverout. Here's poor miss has not a word to throw at a dog. Come, a penny for your thought.
Miss. It is not worth a farthing; for I was thinking of you.
Colonel rising up.
Lady Smart. Colonel, where are you going so soon? I hope you did not come to fetch fire.
Col. Madam, I must needs go home for half an hour.
Miss. Why, colonel, they say the devil's at home.
Lady Answ. Well, but sit while you stay, 'tis as cheap sitting as standing.
Col. No, madam, while I'm standing I'm going.
Miss. Nay, let him go; I promise him we won't tear his clothes to hold him.
Lady Smart. I suppose, colonel, we keep you from better company, I mean only as to myself.
Col. Madam, I am all obedience.
Colonel sits down.
Lady Smart. Lord, miss, how can you drink your tea so hot? sure your mouth's pav'd.
How do you like this tea, colonel?
Col. Well enough, madam; but methinks it is a little more-ish.
Lady Smart. O! colonel! I understand you. Betty, bring the canister: I have but very little of this tea left; but I don't love to make two wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not. He, he, he, he.
Lady Answ. [To the maid.] Why, sure, Betty, you are bewitched, the cream is burnt too.
Betty. Why, madam, the bishop has set his foot in it.
Lady Smart. Go, run girl, and warm some fresh cream.
Betty. Indeed, madam, there's none left; for the cat has eaten it all.
Lady Smart. I doubt it was a cat with two legs.
Miss. Colonel, don't you love bread and butter with your tea?
Col. Yes, in a morning, miss: for they say, butter is gold in a morning, silver at noon, but it is lead at night.
Neverout. Miss, the weather is so hot, that my butter melts on my bread.
Lady Answ. Why, butter, I've heard 'em say, is mad twice a year.
Ld. Sparkish [to the maid.] Mrs. Betty, how does your body politick?
Col. Fie, my lord, you'll make Mrs. Betty blush.
Lady Smart. Blush! ay, blush like a blue dog.
Neverout. Pray, Mrs. Betty, are you not Tom Johnson's daughter?
Betty. So my mother tells me, sir.
Ld. Sparkish. But, Mrs. Betty, I hear you are in love.
Betty. My lord, I thank God, I hate nobody; I am in charity with all the world.
Lady Smart. Why, wench, I think thy tongue runs upon wheels this morning; how came you by that scratch upon your nose: have you been fighting with the cats?
Col. [to miss.] Miss, when will you be married?
Miss. One of these odd-come-shortly's, colonel.
Neverout. Yes; they say the match is half made, the spark is willing, but miss is not.
Miss. I suppose the gentleman has got his own consent for it.
Lady Answ. Pray, my lord, did you walk through the Park in the rain?
Ld. Sparkish. Yes, madam, we were neither sugar nor salt, we were not afraid the rain would melt us. He, he, he.
Col. It rain'd, and the sun shone at the same time.
Neverout. Why, then the devil was beating his wife behind the door with a shoulder of mutton.
Col. A blind man would be glad to see that.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, methinks you stand in your own light.
Neverout. Ah! madam, I have done so all my life.
Ld. Sparkish. I'm sure he sits in mine: Prithee, Tom, sit a little farther: I believe your father was no glazier.
Lady Smart. Miss, dear girl, fill me out a dish of tea, for I'm very lazy.
Miss fills a dish of tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it.
Lady Smart. What, miss, will you be my taster?
Miss. No, madam; but they say 'tis an ill cook that can't lick her own fingers.
Neverout. Pray, miss, fill me another.
Miss. Will you have it now, or stay till you get it?
Lady Answ. But, colonel, they say you went to court last night very drunk: nay, I'm told for certain, you had been among the Philistines: no wonder the cat wink'd, when both her eyes were out.
Col. Indeed, madam, that's a lie.
Lady Answ. 'Tis better I should lie than you should lose your good manners: besides, I don't lie, I sit.
Neverout. O faith, colonel, you must own you had a drop in your eye; when I left you, you were half seas over.
Ld. Sparkish. Well, I fear lady Answerall can't live long, she has so much wit.
Neverout. No; she can't live, that's certain; but she may linger thirty or forty years.
Miss. Live long I ay, longer than a cat or a dog, or a better thing.
Lady Answ. O! miss, you must give your vardi too!
Ld. Sparkish. Miss, shall I fill you another dish of tea?
Miss. Indeed, my lord, I have drank enough.
Ld. Sparkish. Come, it will do you more good than a month's fasting; here, take it.
Miss. No, I thank your lordship; enough's as good as a feast.
Ld. Sparkish. Well; but if you always say no, you'll never be married.
Lady Answ. Do, my lord, give her a dish; for, they say, maids will say no, and take it.
Ld. Sparkish. Well; and I dare say, miss is a maid in thought, word, and deed.
Neverout. I would not take my oath of that.
Miss. Pray, sir, speak for yourself.
Lady Smart. Fie, miss; they say maids should be seen, and not heard.
Lady Answ. Good miss, stir the fire, that the tea kettle may boil. — You have done it very well; now it burns purely. Well, miss, you'll have a cheerful husband.
Miss. Indeed, your ladyship could have stirred it much better.
Lady Answ. I know that very well, hussy; but I won't keep a dog, and bark myself.
Neverout. What! you are sick, miss.
Miss. Not at all; for her ladyship meant you.
Neverout. O! faith, miss, you are in lob's pound; get out as you can.
Miss. I won't quarrel with my bread and butter for all that; I know when I'm well.
Lady Answ. Well; but miss —
Neverout. Ah! dear madam, let the matter fall; take pity on poor miss; don't throw water on a drowned rat.
Miss. Indeed, Mr. Neverout, you should be cut for the simples this morning: say a word more, and you had as good eat your nails.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, miss, will you be so good as to favour us with a song?
Miss. Indeed, my lord, I can't; for I have a great cold.
Col. O! miss, they say all good singers have colds.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, madam, does not miss sing very well?
Lady Answ. She sings, as one may say, my lord.
Miss. I hear Mr. Neverout has a very good voice.
Col. Yes, Tom sings well, but his luck's naught.
Neverout. Faith, colonel, you hit yourself a devilish box on the ear.
Col. Miss, will you take a pinch of snuff?
Miss. No, colonel, you must know that I never take snuff but when I am angry.
Lady Answ. Yes, yes, she can take snuff, but she has never a box to put it in.
Miss. Pray, colonel, let me see that box.
Col. Madam, there's never a C upon it.
Miss. May be there is, colonel.
Col. Ay, but May-bees don't fly now, miss.
Neverout. Colonel, why so hard upon poor miss? Don't set your wit against a child; miss, give me a blow, and I'll beat him.
Miss. So she pray'd me to tell you.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, my lady Smart, what kin are you to lord Pozz?
Lady Smart. Why his grandmother and mine had four elbows.
Lady Answ. Well, methinks here's a silent meeting. Come, miss, hold up your head, girl; there's money bid for you.
Miss. Lord, madam, you frighten me out of my seven senses!
Ld. Sparkish. Well, I must be going.
Lady Answ. I have seen hastier people than you stay all night.
Col. [to lady Smart.] Tom Neverout and I are to leap tomorrow for a guinea.
Miss. I believe, colonel, Mr. Neverout can leap at a crust better than you.
Neverout. Miss, your tongue runs before your wit; nothing can tame you but a husband.
Miss. Peace! I think I hear the church clock.
Neverout. Why you know, as the fool thinks —
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, your handkerchief's fallen.
Miss. Let him set his foot on it, that it may'nt fly in his face.
Neverout. Well, miss —
Miss. Ay, ay! many a one says well that thinks ill.
Neverout. Well, miss, I'll think on this.
Miss. That's rhime, if you take it in time.
Neverout. What! I see you are a poet.
Miss. Yes; if I had but the wit to show it.
Neverout. Miss, will you be so kind as to fill me a dish of tea?
Miss. Pray let your betters be served before you; I'm just going to fill one for myself; and, you know, the parson always christens his own child first.
Neverout. But I saw you fill one just now for the colonel: well, I find kissing goes by favour.
Miss. But pray, Mr. Neverout, what lady was that you were talking with in the side box last Tuesday?
Neverout. Miss, can you keep a secret?
Miss. Yes, I can.
Neverout. Well, miss, and so can I.
Col. Odd-so! I have cut my thumb with this cursed knife!
Lady Answ. Ay; that was your mother's fault, because she only warned you not to cut your fingers.
Lady Smart. No, no; 'tis only fools cut their fingers, but wise folks cut their thumbs. —
Miss. I'm sorry for it, but I can't cry.
Col. Don't you think miss is grown?
Lady Answ. Ay, ill weeds grow apace.
A puff of smoke comes down the chimney.
Lady Answ. Lord, madam, does your ladyship's chimney smoke?
Col. No, madam; but they say smoke always pursues the fair, and your ladyship sat nearest.
Lady Smart. Madam, do you love bohea tea?
Lady Answ. Why, madam, I must confess I do love it, but it does not love me.
Miss [to lady Smart.] Indeed, madam, your ladyship is very sparing of your tea: I protest, the last I took was no more than water bewitch'd.
Col. Pray, miss, if I may be so bold, what lover gave you that fine etuy?
Miss. Don't you know? then keep counsel.
Lady Answ. I'll tell you, colonel, who gave it her: it was the best lover she will ever have while she lives, her own dear papa.
Neverout. Methinks, miss, I don't much like the colour of that ribbon.
Miss. Why then, Mr. Neverout, do you see, if you don't much like it, you may look off it.
Ld. Sparkish. I don't doubt, madam, but your ladyship has heard that sir John Brisk has got an employment at court.
Lady Smart. Yes, yes; and I warrant he thinks himself no small fool now.
Neverout. Yes, madam, I have heard some people take him for a wise man.
Lady Smart. Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are otherwise.
Lady Answ. Do you know him, Mr. Neverout?
Neverout. Know him! ay, as well as the beggar knows his dish.
Col. Well; I can only say that he has better luck than honester folks: but pray, how came he to get this employment?
Ld. Sparkish. Why, by chance, as the man kill'd the devil.
Neverout. Why, miss, you are in a brown study; what's the matter? methinks you look like mumchance, that was hang'd for saying nothing.
Miss. I'd have you to know, I scorn your words.
Neverout. Well; but scornful dogs will eat dirty puddings.
Miss. Well; my comfort is, your tongue is no slander. What! you would not have one be always on the high grin?
Neverout. Cry mapsticks, madam; no offence I hope.
[Lady Smart breaks a teacup.]
Lady Answ. Lord, madam, how came you to break your cup?
Lady Smart. I can't help it, if I would cry my eyes out.
Miss. Why sell it, madam, and buy a new one with some of the money.
Col. 'Tis a folly to cry for spilt milk.
Lady Smart. Why, if things did not break or wear out, how would tradesmen live?
Miss. Well; I am very sick, if any body car'd for it.
Neverout. Come, then, miss, e'en make a die of it, and then we shall have a burying of our own.
Miss. The devil take you, Neverout, beside all small curses.
Lady Answ. Marry come up, what, plain Neverout! methinks you might have an M under your girdle, miss.
Lady Smart. Well, well, naught's never in danger; I warrant miss will spit in her hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do you like this biscuit?
Col. I'm like all fools; I love every thing that's good.
Lady Smart. Well, and isn't it pure good?
Col. 'Tis better than a worse.
Footman brings the Colonel a letter.
Lady Answ.. I suppose, colonel, that's a billetdoux from your mistress.
Col. Egad, I don't know whence it comes; but whoe'er writ it, writes a hand like a foot.
Miss. Well, you may make a secret of it, but we can spell, and put together.
Neverout. Miss, what spells b double uzzard?
Miss. Buzzard in your teeth, Mr. Neverout.
Lady Smart. Now you are up, Mr. Neverout; will you do me the favour, to do me the kindness, to take off the teakettle?
Ld. Sparkish. I wonder what makes these bells ring.
Lady Answ. Why, my lord, I suppose, because they pull the ropes.
Neverout plays with a teacup.
Miss. Now a child would have cried half an hour before it would have found out such a pretty plaything.
Lady Smart. Well said, miss: I vow, Mr. Neverout, the girl is too hard for you.
Neverout. Ay, miss will say any thing but her prayers, and those she whistles.
Miss. Pray, colonel, make me a present of that pretty penknife.
Ld. Sparkish. Ay, miss, catch him at that, and hang him.
Col. Not for the world, dear miss, it will cut love.
Ld. Sparkish. Colonel, you shall be married first, I was going to say that.
Lady Smart. Well, but for all that, I can tell who is a great admirer of miss: pray, miss, how do you like Mr. Spruce? I swear, I have often seen him cast a sheep's eye out of a calf's head at you: deny it if you can.
Miss. O, madam; all the world knows that Mr. Spruce is a general lover.
Col. Come, miss, 'tis too true to make a jest on.
Lady Answ. Well, however, blushing is some sign of grace.
Neverout. Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with thinking.
Miss. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you are pleas'd to divert yourselves; but, as I hope to be sav'd, there's nothing in it.
Lady Smart. Touch a gall'd horse, and he'll wince; love will creep were it dare not go: I'd hold a hundred pound, Mr. Neverout was the inventor of that story; and, colonel, I doubt you had a finger in the pie.
Lady Answ. But, colonel, you forgot to salute miss when you came in; she said you had not been here a long time.
Miss. Fie, madam! I vow, colonel, I said no such thing; I wonder at your ladyship!
Col. Miss, I beg your pardon —
Goes to salute her, she struggles a little.
Miss. Well, I'd rather give a knave a kiss for once than be troubled with him; but, upon my word, you are more bold than welcome.
Lady Smart. Fie, fie, miss! for shame of the world, and speech of good people.
Neverout to miss, who is cooking her tea and bread and butter.
Neverout. Come, come, miss, make much of naught; good folks are scarce.
Miss. What! and you must come in with your two eggs a penny, and three of them rotten.
Col. [to Ld. Sparkish.] But, my lord, I forgot to ask you, how you like my new clothes?
Ld. Sparkish. Why, very well, colonel; only, to deal plainly with you, methinks the worst piece is in the middle.
Col. My lord, you are too severe on your friends.
Miss. Mr. Neverout, I'm hot, are you a sot?
Neverout. Miss, I'm cold, are you a scold? take you that.
Lady Smart. I confess that was home. I find, Mr. Neverout, you won't give your head for the washing, as they say.
Miss. O! he's a sore man where the skin's off. I see Mr. Neverout has a mind to sharpen the edge of his wit on the whetstone of my ignorance.
Ld. Sparkish. Faith, Tom, you are struck! I never heard a better thing.
Neverout. Pray, miss, give me leave to scratch you for that fine speech.
Miss. Pox on your picture, it cost me a groat the drawing.
Neverout [to lady Smart.] 'Sbuds, madam, I have burnt my hand with your plaguy teakettle.
Lady Smart. Why, then, Mr. Neverout, you must say, God save the king.
Neverout. Did you ever see the like?
Miss. Never but once, at a wedding.
Col. Pray, miss, how old are you?
Miss. Why, I'm as old as my tongue, and a little older than my teeth.
Ld. Sparkish. [to lady Answ.] Pray, madam, is miss Buxom married? I hear 'tis all over the town.
Lady Answ. My lord, she's either married, or worse.
Col. If she be'nt married, at least she's lustily promis'd. But, is it certain that sir John Blunderbuss is dead at last?
Ld. Sparkish. Yes, or else he's sadly wrong'd, for they have buried him.
Miss. Why, if he be dead, he'll eat no more bread.
Col. But, is he really dead?
Lady Answ. Yes, colonel, as sure as you're alive —
Col. They say he was an honest man.
Lady Answ. Yes, with good looking to.
Miss feels a pimple on her face.
Miss. Lord! I think my goodness is coming out. Madam, will your ladyship please to lend me a patch?
Neverout. Miss, if you are a maid, put your hand upon your spot.
Miss. — There —
Lady Smart. Well, thou art a mad girl.
Miss. Lord, madam, is that a blow to give a child?
Lady Smart lets fall her handkerchief, and the Colonel stoops for it.
Lady Smart. Colonel, you shall have a better office.
Col. O, madam, I can't have a better than to serve your ladyship.
Col. [to lady Sparkish.] Madam, has your ladyship read the new play, written by a lord? it is called Love in a hollow Tree.
Lady Sparkish. No, colonel.
Col. Why, then your ladyship has one pleasure to come.
Miss sighs.
Neverout. Pray, miss, why do you sigh?
Miss. To make a fool ask, and you are the first.
Neverout. Why, miss, I find there is nothing but a bit and a blow with you.
Lady Answ. Why, you must know, miss is in love.
Miss. I wish my head may never ake till that day.
Ld. Sparkish. Come, miss, never sigh, but send for him.
If he be hang'd he'll come hopping; and if he be drown'd, he'll come dropping.
Miss. Well, I swear you'll make one die with laughing.
Miss plays with a teacup, and Neverout plays with another.
Neverout. Well; I see, one fool makes many.
Miss. And you are the greatest fool of any.
Neverout. Pray, miss, will you be so kind to tie this string for me with your fair hands? it will go all in your day's work.
Miss. Marry, come up, indeed; tie it yourself, you have as many hands as I; your man's man will have a fine office truly: come, pray stand out of my spitting-place.
Neverout. Well; but, miss, don't be angry.
Miss. No; I was never angry in my life but once, and then nobody cared for it; so I resolved never to be angry again.
Neverout. Well; but if you'll tie it, you shall never know what I'll do for you.
Miss. So I suppose, truly.
Neverout. Well; but I'll make you a fine present one of these days.
Miss. Ay; when the devil's blind, and his eyes are not sore yet.
Neverout. No, miss. I'll send it you to morrow.
Miss. Well, well; to morrow's a new day; but I suppose you mean to morrow come never.
Neverout. O! 'tis the prettiest thing: I assure you, there came but two of them over in three ships.
Miss. Would I could see it, quoth blind Hugh. But why did you not bring me a present of snuff this morning?
Neverout. Because, miss, you never asked me; and, 'tis an ill dog that's not worth whistling for.
Ld. Sparkish. [to lady Answ.] Pray, madam, how came your ladyship last Thursday to go to that odious puppetshow?
Col. Why, to be sure, her ladyship went to see, and to be seen.
Lady Answ. You have made a fine speech, colonel: pray, what will you take for your mouthpiece?
Ld. Sparkish. Take that, colonel: but, pray, madam, was my lady Snuff there? They say she's extremely handsome.
Lady Smart. They must not see with my eyes, that think so.
Neverout. She may pass muster well enough.
Lady Answ. Pray, how old do you take her to be?
Col. Why, about five or six and twenty.
Miss. I swear she's no chicken; she's on the wrong side of thirty, if she be a day.
Lady Answ. Depend upon it, she'll never see five and thirty, and a bit to spare.
Col. Why they say, she's one of the chief toasts in town.
Lady Smart. Ay, when all the rest are out of it.
Miss. Well; I woudn't be as sick as she's proud for all the world.
Lady Answ. She looks as if butter woudn't melt in her mouth; but I warrant, cheese won't choke her.
Neverout. I hear my lord What d'ye call him is courting her.
Lady Sparkish. What lord d'ye mean, Tom?
Miss. Why, my lord, I suppose, Mr. Neverout means the lord of the Lord knows what.
Col. They say she dances very fine.
Lady Answ. She did; but I doubt her dancing days are over.
Col. I can't pardon her for her rudeness to me.
Lady Smart. Well; but you must forget and forgive.
Footman comes in.
Lady Smart. Did you call Betty?
Footman. She's coming, madam.
Lady Smart. Coming! ay, so is Christmas.
Betty comes in.
Lady Smart. Come, get ready my things. Where has the wench been these three hours?
Betty. Madam, I can't go faster than my legs will carry me.
Lady Smart. Ay, thou hast a head, and so has a pin. But, my lord, all the town has it, that miss Caper is to be married to sir Peter Giball; one thing is certain, that she has promised to have him.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, madam, you know, promises are either broken or kept.
Lady Answ. I beg your pardon, my lord; promises and piecrust are made to be broken.
Lady Smart. Nay, I had it from my lady Carrylie's own mouth. I tell you my tale and my tale's author; if it be a lie, you had it as cheap as I.
Lady Answ. She and I had some words last Sunday at church; but I think I gave her her own.
Lady Smart. Her tongue runs like the clapper of a mill; she talks enough for herself and all the company.
Neverout. And yet she simpers like a firmity kettle.
Miss looking in a glass.
Miss. Lord, how my head is drest to day!
Col. O, madam! a good face needs no band.
Miss. No; and a bad one deserves none.
Col. Pray, miss, where is your old acquaintance, Mrs. Wayward?
Miss. Why, where should she be? you must needs know; she's in her skin.
Col. I can answer that; what if you were as far out as she's in? —
Miss. Well, I promis'd to go this evening to Hyde Park on the water; but I protest I'm half afraid.
Nevercut. Never fear, miss; you have the old proverb on your side, Naught's ne'er in danger.
Col. Why, miss, let Tom Neverout wait on you; and then I warrant, you'll be as safe as a thief in a mill; for you know, He that's born to be hang'd, will never be drown'd.
Neverout. Thank you, colonel, for your good word; but faith, if ever I hang, it shall be about a fair lady's neck.
Lady Smart. Who's there? Bid the children be quiet, and not laugh so loud.
Lady Answ. O! madam, let 'em laugh, they'll ne'er laugh younger.
Neverout. Miss, I'll tell you a secret, if you'll promise never to tell it again.
Miss. No, to be sure; I'll tell it to nobody but friends and strangers.
Neverout. Why then, there's some dirt in my tea cup.
Miss. Come, come, the more there's in't, the more there's on't.
Lady Answ. Poh! you must eat a peck of dirt before you die.
Col. Ay, ay; it goes all one way.
Neverout. Pray, miss, what's a clock?
Miss. Why, you must know, 'tis a thing like a bell, and you are a fool that can't tell.
Neverout [to Lady Answ.] Pray, madam, do you tell me; for I have let my watch run down.
Laady Answ. Why, 'tis half an hour past hanging time.
Col. Well; I'm like the butcher that was looking for his knife, and had it in his mouth: I have been searching my pockets for my snuffbox, and, egad, here it is in my hand.
Miss. If it bad been a bear, it would have bit you, colonel: well, I wish I had such a snuffbox.
Neverout. You'll be long enough before you wish your skin full of eyelet-holes.
Col. Wish in one hand —
Miss. Out upon you: Lord, what can the man mean?
Ld. Sparkish. This tea is very hot.
Lady Answ. Why, it came from a hot place, my lord.
Colonel spills his tea.
Lady Smart. That's as well done as if I had done it myself.
Col. Madam, I find you live by ill neighbours, when you are forc'd to praise yourself.
Lady Smart. So they pray'd me to tell you.
Neverout. Well, I won't drink a drop more; if I do, 'twill go down like chopt hay.
Miss. Pray, don't say no, till you are asked.
Neverout. Well, what you please, and the rest again.
Miss stooping for a pin.
Miss. I have heard 'em say, that a pin a day is a groat a year. Well, as I hope to be married, forgive me for swearing, I vow 'tis a needle.
Col. O! the wonderful works of nature, that a black hen should lay a white egg!
Neverout. What! you have found a mare's nest, and laugh at the eggs?
Miss. Pray keep your breath to cool your porridge.
Neverout. Miss, there was a very pleasant accident last night at St. James's Park.
Miss [to Lady Smart.] What was it your ladyship was going to say just now?
Neverout. Well, miss; tell a mare a tale —
Miss. I find you love to hear yourself talk.
Neverout. Why, if you won't hear my tale, kiss my, &c.
Miss. Out upon you, for a filthy creature!
Neverout. What, miss! must I tell you a story, and find you ears?
Ld. Sparkish [to Lady Smart.] Pray, madam, don't you think Mrs. Spendall very genteel?
Lady Smart. Why, my lord, I think she was cut out for a gentlewoman, but she was spoil'd in the making: she wears her clothes as if they were thrown on her with a pitchfork; and, for the fashion, I believe they were made in the reign of queen Bess.
Neverout. Well, that's neither here nor there; for you know, the more careless the more modish.
Col. Well, I'd hold a wager there will be a match between her and Dick Dolt: and I believe I can see as far into a millstone as another man.
Miss. Colonel, I must beg your pardon a thousand times; but they say, an old ape has an old eye.
Neverout. Miss, what do you mean! you'll spoil the colonel's marriage, if you call him old.
Col. Not so old, nor yet so cold — You know the rest, miss.
Miss. Manners is a fine thing, truly.
Col. Faith, miss, depend upon't, I'll give you as good as you bring: what! if you give a jest, you must take a jest.
Lady Smart. Well, Mr Neverout, you'll ne'er have done till you break that knife, and then the man won't take it again.
Miss. Why, madam, fools will be meddling; I wish he may cut his fingers. I hope you can see your own blood without fainting.
Neverout. Why, miss, you shine this morning like a sh—n barn door: you'll never hold out at this rate; pray save a little wit for to morrow.
Miss. Well, you have said your say; if people will be rude, I have done; my comfort is, 'twill be all one a thousand year hence.
Neverout. Miss, you have shot your bolt: I find you must have the last word — Well, I'll go to the opera to night — No, I can't, neither, for I have some business — and yet I think I must; for I promis'd to squire the countess to her box.
Miss. The countess of Puddledock, I suppose.
Neverout. Peace, or war, miss?
Lady Smart. Well, Mr. Neverout, you'll never be mad, you are of so many minds.
As Miss rises, the chair falls behind her.
Miss. Well; I shan't be lady mayoress this year.
Neverout. No, miss, 'tis worse than that; you won't be married this year.
Miss. Lord! you make me laugh, though I an't well.
Neverout, as Miss is standing, pulls her suddenly on his lap.
Neverout. Now, colonel, come sit down on my lap; more sacks upon the mill.
Miss. Let me go; ar'n't you sorry for my heaviness?
Neverout. No, miss; you are very light; but I don't say you are a light hussy. Pray take up the chair for your pains.
Miss. 'Tis but one body's labour, you may do it yourself; I wish you would be quiet, you have more tricks than a dancing bear.
Neverout rises to take up the chair, and Miss sits in his.
Neverout. You woud'nt be so soon in my grave, madam.
Miss. Lord! I have torn my petticoat with your odious romping; my rents are coming in; I'm afraid I shall fall into the ragman's hands.
Neverout. I'll mend it, miss.
Miss. You mend it! go, teach your grannam to suck eggs.
Neverout. Why, miss, you are so cross, I could find in my heart to hate you.
Miss. With all my heart; there will be no love lost between us.
Neverout. But pray, my lady Smart, does not miss look as if she could eat me without salt?
Miss. I'll make you one day sup sorrow for this.
Neverout. Well, follow your own way, you'll live the longer.
Miss. See, madam, how well I have mended it.
Lady Smart. 'Tis indifferent, as Doll danc'd.
Neverout. 'Twill last as many nights as days.
Miss. Well, I knew it should never have your good word.
Lady Smart. My lord, my lady Answerall and I was walking in the Park last night till near eleven; 'twas a very fine night.
Neverout. Egad, so was I; and I'll tell you a comical accident; egad, I lost my understanding.
Miss. I'm glad you had any to lose.
Lady Smart. Well, but what do you mean?
Neverout. Egad, I kick'd my foot against a stone, and tore off the heel of my shoe, and was forc'd to limp to a cobler in the Pall-mall to have it put on. He, he, he, he.
Col. O! 'twas a delicate night to run away with another man's wife.
Neverout sneezes.
Miss. God bless you! if you han't taken snuff.
Neverout. Why, what if I have, miss?
Miss. Why then, the deuse take you!
Neverout. Miss, I want that diamond ring of yours.
Miss. Why, then want's like to be your master.
Neverout looking at the ring.
Neverout. Ay, marry, this is not only, but also; where did you get it?
Miss. Why, where 'twas to be had; where the devil got the friar.
Neverout. Well; if I had such a fine diamond ring, I woudn't stay a day in England: but you know, far fetch'd and dear bought is fit for ladies. I warrant, this cost your father two-pence halfpenny.
Colonel stretching himself.
Lady Smart. Why, colonel, you break the king's laws; you stretch without a halter.
Lady Answ. Colonel, some ladies of your acquaintance have promis'd to breakfast with you, and I am to wait on them; what will you give us?
Col. Why, faith, madam, bachelors' fare; bread and cheese and kisses.
Lady Answ. Poh! what have you bachelors to do with your money, but to treat the ladies? you have nothing to keep, but your own four quarters.
Lady Smart. My lord, has captain Brag the honour to be related to your lordship?
Ld. Sparkish. Very nearly, madam; he's my cousin german quite removed.
Lady Answ. Pray, is he not rich?
Ld. Sparkish. Ay, a rich rogue, two shirts and a rag.
Col. Well, however, they say he has a great estate, but only the right owner keeps him out of it.
Lady Smart. What religion is he of?
Ld. Sparkish. Why he is an Anythingarian.
Lady Answ. I believe he has his religion to choose, my lord.
Neverout scratches his head.
Miss. Fie, Mr. Neverout, ar'n't you asham'd! I beg pardon for the expression, but I'm afraid your bosom friends are become your backbiters.
Neverout. Well, miss, I saw a flea once in your pinner, and a louse is a man's companion, but a flea is a dog's companion: however, I wish you would scratch my neck with your pretty white hand.
Miss. And who would be fool then? I wou'dn't touch a man's flesh for the universe. You have the wrong sow by the ear, I assure you; that's meat for your master.
Neverout. Miss Notable, all quarrels laid aside, pray step hither for a moment.
Miss. I'll wash my hands and wait on you, sir; but pray come hither, and try to open this lock.
Neverout. We'll try what we can do.
Miss. We! what have you pigs in your belly?
Neverout. Miss, I assure you, I am very handy at all things.
Miss. Marry, hang them that can't give themselves a good word: I believe you may have an even hand to throw a louse in the fire.
Col. Well, I must be plain; here's a very bad smell.
Miss. Perhaps, colonel, the fox is the finder.
Neverout. No, colonel; 'tis only your teeth against rain: but —
Miss. Colonel, I find you would make a very bad poor man's sow.
Colonel coughing.
Col. I have got a sad cold.
Lady Answ. Ay; 'tis well if one can get any thing these hard times.
Miss. [to Col.] Choke, chicken, there's more a hatching.
Lady Smart. Pray, colonel, how did you get that cold?
Lady Sparkish. Why, madam, I suppose the colonel got it by lying abed barefoot.
Lady Answ. Why then, colonel, you must take it for better for worse, as a man takes his wife.
Col. Well, ladies, I apprehend you without a constable.
Miss. Mr. Neverout! Mr. Neverout! come hither this moment.
Lady Smart. [imitating her.] Mr. Neverout! Mr. Neverout! I wish he were tied to your girdle.
Neverout. What's the matter! whose mare's dead now?
Miss. Take your labour for your pains, you may go back again, like a fool as you came.
Neverout. Well, miss, if you deceive me a second time, 'tis my fault.
Lady Smart. Colonel, methinks your coat is too short.
Col. It will be long enough before I get another, madam.
Miss. Come, come; the coat's a good coat, and come of good friends.
Neverout. Ladies, you are mistaken in the stuff; 'tis half silk.
Col. Tom Neverout, you are a fool, and that's your fault.
A great noise below.
Lady Smart. Hey! what a clattering is here! one would think Hell was broke loose.
Miss. Indeed, madam, I must take my leave, for I a'n't well.
Lady Smart. What! you are sick of the mulligrubs with eating chopt hay?
Miss. No, indeed, madam; I'm sick and hungry, more need of a cook than a doctor.
Lady Answ. Poor miss! she's sick as a cushion, she wants nothing but stuffing.
Col. If you are sick, you shall have a caudle of calf's eggs.
Neverout. I can't find my gloves.
Miss. I saw the dog running away with some dirty thing a while ago.
Col. Miss, you have got my handkerchief; pray, let me have it.
Lady Smart. No; keep it miss; for they say, possession is eleven points of the law.
Miss. Madam, he shall ne'er have it again; 'tis in hucksters hands.
Lady Answ. What! I see 'tis raining again.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, then, madam, we must do as they do in Spain.
Miss. Pray, my lord, how is that?
Ld. Sparkish. Why, madam, we must let it rain.
Miss whispers Lady Smart.
Neverout. There's no whispering, but there's lying.
Miss. Lord! Mr. Neverout, you are as pert as a pearmonger this morning.
Neverout. Indeed, miss, you are very handsome.
Miss. Poh! I know that already; tell me news.
Somebody knocks at the door.
Footman comes in.
Footman [to Col.] An' please your honour, there's a man below wants to speak to you.
Col. Ladies, your pardon for a minute.
Lady Smart. Miss, I sent yesterday to know how you did, but you were gone abroad early.
Miss. Why, indeed, madam, I was hunch'd up in a hackney coach with three country acquaintance, who called upon me to take the air as far as Highgate.
Lady Smart. And had you a pleasant airing?
Miss. No, madam; it rained all the time; I was jolted to death; and the road was so bad, that I scream'd every moment, and called to the coachman, Pray, friend, don't spill us.
Neverout. So, miss, you were afraid, that pride, wou'd have a fall.
Miss. Mr. Neverout, when I want a fool, I'll send for you.
Ld. Sparkish. Miss, did'n't your left ear burn last night?
Miss. Pray why, my lord?
Ld. Sparkish. Because I was then in some company where you were extoll'd to the skies, I assure you.
Miss. My lord, that was more their goodness than my desert.
Ld. Sparkish. They said, that you were a complete beauty.
Miss. My lord, I am as God made me.
Lady Smart. The girl's well enough, if she had but another nose.
Miss. O! madam, I know I shall always have your good word; you love to help a lame dog over the stile.
One knocks.
Lady Smart. Who's there? you're on the wrong side of the door; come in, if you be fat.
Colonel comes in again.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, colonel, you are a man of great business.
Col. Ay, ay, my lord, I'm like my lord mayor's fool, full of business, and nothing to do.
Lady Smart. My lord, don't you think the colonel's mightily fall'n nway of late?
Ld. Sparkish. Ay, fall'n from a horseload to a cartload.
Col. Why, my lord, egad I am like a rabbit, fat and lean in four and twenty hours.
Lady Smart. I assure you, the colonel walks as straight as a pin.
Miss. Yes; he's a handsome bodied man in the face.
Neverout. A handsome foot and leg: God-a-mercy shoe and stocking!
Col. What! three upon one! that's foul play: this would make a parson swear.
Neverout. Why, miss, what's the matter? you look as if you had neither won nor lost.
Col. Why, you must know, miss lives upon love.
Miss. Yes, upon love and lumps of the cupboard.
Lady Answ. Ay; they say love and pease porridge are two dangerous things; one breaks the heart, and the other the belly.
Miss [imitating Lady Answerall's tone] Very pretty! one breaks the heart, and the other the belly.
Lady Answ. Have a care; they say, mocking is catching.
Miss. I never heard that.
Neverout. Why, then, miss, you have a wrinkle more than ever you had before.
Miss. Well; live and learn.
Neverout. Ay; and be hang'd and forget all.
Miss. Well, Mr, Neverout, take it as you please; but, I swear, you are a saucy Jack, to use such expressions.
Neverout. Why then, miss, if you go to that, I must tell you there's ne'er a Jack but there's a Gill.
Miss. O! Mr. Neverout, every body knows that you are the pink of courtesy.
Neverout. And, miss, all the world allows, that you are the flower of civility.
Lady Smart. Miss, I hear there was a great deal of company where you visited last night: pray, who were they?
Miss. Why, there was old lady Forward, miss To-and-again, sir John Ogle, my lady Clapper, and I, quoth the dog.
Col. Was your visit long, miss?
Miss. Why, truly, they went all to the opera; and so poor Pilgarlick came home alone.
Neverout. Alackaday, poor miss! methinks it grieves me to pity you.
Miss. What! you think, you said a fine thing now; well, if I had a dog with no more wit, I would hang him.
Ld. Smart. Miss, if it is manners, may I ask which is oldest, you or lady Scuttle?
Miss. Why, my lord, when I die for age, she may quake for fear.
Lady Smart. She's a very great gadder abroad.
Lady Answ. Lord! she made me follow her last week through all the shops like a Tantiny pig[3].
Lady Smart. I remember, you told me, you had been with her from Dan to Beersheba?
Colonel spits.
Col. Lord! I shall die; I cannot spit from me.
Miss. O! Mr. Neverout, my little Countess has just litter'd; speak me fair, and I'll set you down for a puppy.
Neverout. Why, miss, if I speak you fair, perhaps I mayn't tell truth.
Ld. Sparkish. Ay, but Tom, smoke that, she calls you puppy by craft.
Neverout. Well, miss, you ride the fore horse to day.
Miss. Ay, many a one says well, that thinks ill.
Neverout. Fie, miss; you said that once before; and, you know, too much of one thing is good for nothing.
Miss. Why, sure we can't say a good thing too often.
Ld. Sparkish. Well, so much for that, and butter for fish; let us call another cause. Pray, madam, does your ladyship know Mrs. Nice?
Lady Smart. Perfectly well, my lord; she's nice by name, and nice by nature.
Ld. Sparkish. Is it possible she could take that booby Tom Blunder for love;
Miss. She had good skill in horse flesh, that would choose a goose to ride on.
Lady Answ. Why, my lord, 'twas her fate; they say, marriage and hanging go by destiny.
Col. I believe she'll never be burnt for a witch.
Ld. Sparkish. They say, marriages are made in Heaven; but I doubt, when she was married, she had no friend there.
Neverout. Well, she's got out of God's blessing into the warm sun.
Col. The fellow's well enough, if he had any guts in his brains.
Lady Smart. They say, thereby hangs a tale.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, he's a mere hobbledehoy, neither a man nor a boy.
Miss. Well, if I were to choose a husband, I would never be married to a little man.
Neverout. Pray, why so, miss? for they say, of all evils we ought to choose the least.
Miss. Because folks would say, when they saw us together, There goes the woman and her husband.
Col. [to Lady Smart.] Will your ladyship be on the Mall to morrow night?
Lady Smart. No, that won't be proper; you know to morrow's Sunday.
Lord Sparkish. What then, madam! they say, the better day, the better deed.
Lady Answ. Pray, Mr. Neverout, how do you like lady Fruzz?
Neverout. Pox on her! she's as old as Poles[4].
Miss. So will you be, if you ben't hang'd when you're young.
Neverout. Come, miss, let us be friends: will you go to the park this evening?
Miss. With all my heart, and a piece of my liver; but not with you.
Lady Smart. I'll tell you one thing, and that's not two; I'm afraid I shall get a fit of the headach to day.
Col. O! madam, don't be afraid; it comes with a fright.
Miss. [to Lady Answerall.] Madam, one of your ladyship's lappets is longer than t'other.
Lady Answ. Well, no matter, they that ride on a trotting horse will ne'er perceive it.
Neverout. Indeed, miss, your lappets hang worse.
Miss. Well, I love a liar in my heart, and you fit me to a hair.
Miss rises up.
Neverout. Deuse take you, miss; you trod on my foot: I hope you don't intend to come to my bedside.
Miss. In troth, you are afraid of your friends, and none of them near you.
Ld. Sparkish. Well said, girl! [giving her a chuck] take that: they say, a chuck under the chin is worth two kisses.
Lady Answ. But, Mr. Neverout, I wonder why such a handsome, straight, young gentleman as you, don't get some rich widow.
Ld. Sparkish. Straight! ay, straight as my leg, and that's crooked at knee.
Neverout. Faith, madam, if it rain'd rich widows, none of them would fall upon me. Egad, I was born under a threepenny planet, never to be worth a groat.
Lady Answ. No, Mr. Neverout; I believe you were born with a caul on your head; you are such a favourite among the ladies: but what think vou of widow Prim? she's immensely rich.
Neverout. Hang her! they say her father was a baker.
Lady Smart. Ay; but it is not, what is she, but what has she, nowadays.
Col. Tom, faith, put on a bold face for once, and have at the widow. I'll speak a good word for you to her.
Lady Answ. Ay; I warrant, you'll speak one word for him, and two for yourself.
Miss. Well; I had that at my tongue's end.
Lady Answ. Why, miss, they say, good wits jump.
Neverout. Faith, madam, I had rather marry a woman I lov'd, in her smock, than widow Prim, if she had her weight in gold.
Lady Smart. Come, come, Mr. Neverout, marriage is honourable, but housekeeping is a shrew.
Lady Answ. Consider, Mr. Neverout, four bare legs in a bed; and you are a younger brother.
Col. Well, madam; the younger brother is the better gentleman: however, Tom, I would advise you to look before you leap.
Ld. Sparkish. The colonel says true; besides, you can't expect to wive and thrive in the same year.
Miss. [shuddering.] Lord! there's somebody walking over my grave.
Col. Pray, lady Answerall, where was you last Wednesday, when I did myself the honour to wait on you? I think your ladyship is one of the tribe of Gad.
Lady Answ. Why, colonel, I was at church.
Col. Nay, then will I be hang'd, and my horse too.
Neverout. I believe her ladyship was at a church with a chimney in it.
Miss. Lord, my petticoat! how it hangs by jommetry!
Neverout. Perhaps the fault may be in your shape.
Miss. [looking gravely] Come, Mr. Neverout, there's no jest like the true jest; but I suppose you think my back's broad enough to bear every thing.
Neverout. Madam, I humbly beg your pardon.
Miss. Well, sir, your pardon's granted.
Neverout. Well, all things have an end, and a pudden has two, up-up-on me-my-my word.
Miss. What! Mr, Neverout, can't you speak without a spoon?
Ld. Sparkish. [to lady Smart.] Has your ladyship seen the duchess since your falling out?
Lady Smart. Never, my lord, but once at a visit; and she look'd at me as the devil look'd over Lincoln.
Neverout. Pray, miss, take a pinch of my snuff.
Miss. What! you break my head, and give me a plaster; well, with all my heart; once, and not use it.
Neverout. Well, miss; if you wanted me and your victuals, you'd want your two best friends.
Col. [to Neverout.] Tom, miss and you must kiss and be friends.
Neverout salutes Miss.
Miss. Any thing for a quiet life: my nose itch'd, and I knew I should drink wine, or kiss a fool.
Col. Well, Tom, if that ben't fair, hang fair.
Neverout. I never said a rude thing to a lady in my life.
Miss. Here's a pin for that lie; I'm sure liars had need have good memories. Pray, colonel, was not he very uncivil to me but just now?
Lady Answ. Mr. Neverout, if miss will be angry for nothing, take my counsel, and bid her turn the buckle of her girdle behind her.
Neverout. Come, lady Answerall, I know better things; miss and I are good friends; don't put tricks upon travellers.
Col. Tom, not a word of the pudden, I beg you.
Lady Smart. Ah, colonel! you'll never be good, nor then neither.
Ld. Sparkish. Which of the goods d'ye mean? good for something, or good for nothing?
Miss. I have a blister on my tongue; yet I don't remember I told a lie.
Lady Answ. I thought you did just now.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, madam, what did thought do?
Lady Answ. Well, for my life, I cannot conceive what your lordship means.
Ld. Sparkish. Indeed, madam, I meant no harm.
Lady Smart. No, to be sure, my lord! you are as innocent as a devil of two years old.
Neverout. Madam, they say, ill doers are ill deemers; but I don't apply it to your ladyship.
Miss mending a hole in her lace.
Miss. Well, you see, I'm mending; I hope I shall be good in time; look, lady Answerall, is it not well mended?
Lady Answ. Ay, this is something like a tansy.
Neverout. Faith, miss, you have mended, as a tinker mends a kettle; stop one hole, and make two.
Lady Smart. Pray, colonel, are you not very much tann'd?
Col. Yes, madam; but a cup of Christmas ale will soon wash it off.
Ld. Sparkish. Lady Smart, does not your ladyship think Mrs. Fade is mightily alter'd since her marriage?
Lady Answ. Why, my lord, she was handsome in her time; but she cannot eat her cake and have her cake: I hear she's grown a mere otomy.
Lady Smart. Poor creature! the black ox has set his foot upon her already.
Miss. Ay, she has quite lost the blue on the plum.
Lady Smart. And yet, they say, her husband is very fond of her still.
Lady Answ. O, madam, if she would eat gold, he would give it her.
Neverout. [to lady Smart.] Madam, have you heard that lady Queasy was lately at the playhouse incog?
Lady Smart. What! lady Queasy of all women in the world! Do you say it upon rep?
Neverout. Poz, I saw her with my own eyes; she sat among the mob in the gallery; her own ugly phiz: and she saw me look at her.
Col. Her ladyship was plaguily bamb'd; I warrant it put her into the hipps.
Neverout. I smoked her huge nose, and, egad, she put me in mind of the woodcock, that strives to hide his long bill, and then thinks nobody sees him.
Col. Tom, I advise you, hold your tongue; for you'll never say so good a thing again.
Lady Smart. Miss, what are you looking for?
Miss. O, madam, I have lost the finest needle —
Lady Answ. Why, seek till you find it, and then you won't lose your labour.
Neverout. The loop of my hat is broke; how shall I mend it? [he fastens it with a pin] Well, hang him, say I, that has no shift.
Miss. Ay, and hang him that has one too many.
Neverout. O, miss, I have heard a sad story of you.
Miss. I defy you, Mr. Neverout; nobody can say, black's my eye.
Neverout. I believe, you wish they could.
Miss. Well; but who was your author? Come, tell truth, and shame the devil.
Neverout. Come then, miss; guess who it was that told me; come, put on your considering cap.
Miss. Well, who was it?
Neverout. Why, one that lives within a mile of an oak.
Miss. Well, go hang yourself in your own garters, for I'm sure the gallows groans for you.
Neverout. Pretty miss! I was but in jest.
Miss. Well, but don't let that stick in your gizzard.
Col. My lord, does your lordship know Mrs. Talkall?
Ld. Sparkish. Only by sight; but I hear she has a great deal of wit; and egad, as the saying is, mettle to the back.
Lady Smart. So I hear.
Col. Why Dick Lubber said to her t' other day. Madam, you can't cry bo to a goose: yes, but I can, said she; and, egad, cry'd bo full in his face. We all thought we should break our hearts with laughing.
Ld. Sparkish. That was cutting with a vengeance: And prithee how did the fool look?
Col. Look! egad, he look'd for all the word like an owl in an ivy-bush.
A child comes in screaming.
Miss. Well, if that child was mine, I'd whip it till the blood came; peace, you little vixen! if I were near you, I would not be far from you.
Lady Smart. Ay, ay! bachelors wives and maids children are finely tutor'd.
Lady Answ. Come to me, master; and I'll give you a sugarplum. Why, miss, you forget that ever you was a child yourself. [She gives the child a lump of sugar.] I have heard 'em say, boys will long.
Col. My lord, I suppose you know that Mr. Buzzard has married again.
Lady Smart. This is his fourth wife; then he has been shod round.
Col. Why, you must know, she had a month's mind to Dick Frontless, and thought to run away with him; but her parents forced her to take the old fellow for a good settlement.
Ld. Sparkish. So the man got his mare again.
Lady Smart. I'm told he said a very good thing to Dick; said he, You think us old fellows are fools; but we old fellows know young fellows are fools.
Col. I know nothing of that; but I know, he's devilish old, and she's very young.
Lady Answ. Why, they call that a match of the world's making.
Miss. What if he had been young, and she old?
Neverout. Why, miss, that would have been a match of the devil's making; but when both are young that's a match of God's making.
Miss searching her pockets for a thimble, brings out a nutmeg.
Neverout. O, miss, have a care; for if you carry a nutmeg in your pocket, you'll certainly be married to an old man.
Miss. Well, and if I ever be married, it shall be to an old man; they always make the best husbands; and it is better to be an old man's darling, than a young man's warling.
Neverout. Faith, miss, if you speak as you think, I'll give you my mother for a maid.
Lady Smart rings the bell.
Footman comes in.
Lady Smart. Harkee, you fellow; run to my lady Match, and desire she will remember to be here at six, to play at quadrille: d'ye hear, if you fall by the way, don't stay to get up again.
Footman. Madam, I don't know the house.
Lady Smart. That's not for want of ignorarce; follow your nose; go, inquire among the servants.
Footman goes out, and leaves the door open.
Lady Smart. Here, come back, you fellow; why did you leave the door open? Remember, that a good servant must always come when he's call'd, do what he's bid, and shut the door after him.
The Footman goes out again, and falls down stairs.
Lady Answ. Neck or nothing; come down, or I'll fetch you down: well, but I hope the poor fellow has not sav'd the hangman a labour.
Neverout. Pray, madam, smoke miss yonder, biting her lips, and playing with her fan.
Miss. Who's that takes my name in vain?
She runs up to them, and falls down.
Lady Smart. What, more falling! do you intend the frolick should go round?
Lady Answ. Why, miss, I wish you may not have broke her ladyship's floor.
Neverout. Miss, come to me, and I'll take you up.
Lady Sparkish. Well, but, without a jest, I hope, miss, you are not hurt.
Col. Nay, she must be hurt for certain; for you see her head is all of a lump.
Miss. Well, remember this, colonel, when I have money, and you have none.
Lady Smart. But, colonel, when do you design to get a house, and a wife, and a fire to put her in?
Miss. Lord! who would be married to a soldier, and carry his knapsack?
Neverout. O, madam: Mars and Venus, you know.
Col. Egad, madam, I'd marry to morrow, if I thought I could bury my wife just when the honeymoon is over; but they say, a woman has as many lives as a cat.
Lady Answ. I find, the colonel thinks, a dead wife under the table is the best goods in a man's house.
Lady Smart. O but, colonel, if you had a good wife, it would break your heart to part with her.
Col. Yes, madam; for they say, he that has lost his wife and sixpence, has lost a tester.
Lady Smart. But, colonel, they say, that every married man should believe there's but one good wife in the world, and that's his own.
Col. For all that, I doubt, a good wife must be bespoke; for there's none ready made.
Miss. I suppose, the gentleman's a womanhater; but, Sir, I think you ought to remember, that you had a mother: and pray, if it had not been for a woman, where would you have been, colonel?
Col. Nay, miss, you cried whore first, when you talk'd of the knapsack.
Lady Answ. But I hope you won't blame the whole sex, because some are bad.
Neverout. And they say, he that hates woman, suck'd a sow.
Col. O, madam; there's no general rule without an exception.
Lady Smart. Then, why don't you marry, and settle?
Col. Egad, madam, there's nothing will settle me but a bullet.
Ld. Sparkish. Well, colonel, there 's one comfort, that you need not fear a cannon-bullet.
Col. Why so, my Lord?
Ld. Sparkish. Because they say, he was curs'd in his mother's belly that was kill'd by a cannon-bullet.
Miss. I suppose, the colonel was cross'd in his first love, which makes him so severe on all the sex.
Lady Answ. Yes; and I'll hold a hundred to one, that the colonel has been over head and ears in love with some lady that has made his heart ake.
Col. O, madam, we soldiers are admirers of all the fair sex.
Miss. I wish I could see the colonel in love till he was ready to die.
Lady Smart. Ay; but I doubt, few people die for love in these days.
Neverout. Well, I confess, I differ from the colonel; for I hope to have a rich and a handsome wife yet before I die.
Col. Ay, Tom; live, horse, and thou shalt have grass.
Miss. Well, colonel; but, whatever you say against women, they are better, creatures than men; for men were made of clay, but woman was made of man.
Col. Miss, you may say what you please; but, faith, you'll never lead apes in Hell.
Neverout. No, no; I'll be sworn miss has not an inch of nun's flesh about her.
Miss. I understumble you, gentlemen.
Neverout. Madam, your humblecumdumble.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, miss, when did you see your old acquaintance Mrs. Cloudy? you and she are two, I hear.
Miss. See her! marry, I don't care whether I ever see her again; God bless my eyesight.
Lady Answ. Lord! why she and you were as great as two inkleweavers. I've seen her hug you as the devil hugg'd the witch.
Miss. That's true; but I'm told for certain, she's no better than she should be.
Lady Smart. Well, God mend us all; but you must allow, the world is very censorious; I never heard that she was a naughty pack.
Col. [to Neverout.] Come, sir Thomas, when the king pleases, when do you intend to march?
Ld. Sparkish. Have patience. Tom, is your friend Ned Rattle married?
Neverout. Yes, faith, my lord; he has tied a knot with his tongue, that he can never untie with his teeth.
Lady Smart. Ah! marry in haste, and repent at leisure.
Lady Answ. Has he got a good fortune with his lady? for they say, something has some savour, but nothing has no flavour.
Neverout. Faith, madam, all he gets by her he may put into his eye and see never the worse.
Miss. Then, I believe, he heartily wishes her in Abraham's bosom.
Col. Pray, my lord, how does Charles Limber and his fine wife agree?
Ld. Sparkish. Why, they say, he's the greatest cuckold in town.
Neverout. O, but my lord, you should always except my lord mayor.
Miss. Mr. Neverout.
Neverout. Hay, madam, did you call me?
Miss. Hay! why hay is for horses.
Neverout. Why, miss, then you may kiss —
Col. Pray, my lord, what's o'clock by your oracle?
Ld. Sparkish. Faith, I can't tell, I think my watch runs upon wheels.
Neverout. Miss, pray be so kind to call a servant to bring me a glass of small beer: I know you are at home here.
Miss. Every fool can do as they're bid: make a page of your own age, and do it yourself.
Neverout. Choose, proud fool; I did but ask you.
Miss puts her hand upon her knee.
Neverout. What, miss, are you thinking of your sweetheart? is your garter slipping down?
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, keep your breath to cool your porridge; you measure my corn by your bushel.
Neverout. Indeed, miss, you lie —
Miss. Did you ever hear any thing so rude!
Neverout. I mean, you lie — under a mistake.
Miss. If a thousand lies could choke you, you would have been choked many a day ago.
Miss strives to snatch Mr. Neverout's snuffbox.
Neverout. Madam, you missed that, as you miss'd your mother's blessing.
She tries again, and misses.
Neverout. Snap short makes you look so lean, miss.
Miss. Poh! you are so robustious, you had like to put out my eye; I assure you, if you blind me, you must lead me.
Lady Smart. Dear miss, be quiet; and bring me a pincushion out of that closet.
Miss opens the closet door and squalls.
Lady Smart. Lord bless the girl! what's the matter now?
Miss. I vow, Madam, I saw something in black; I thought it was a spirit.
Col. Why, miss, did you ever see a spirit?
Miss. No, sir; I thank God I never saw any thing worse than myself.
Neverout. Well, I did a very foolish thing yesterday, and was a great puppy for my pains.
Miss. Very likely; for they say, many a true word's spoke in jest.
Footman returns.
Lady Smart. Well, did you deliver your message? you are fit to be sent for sorrow, you stay so long by the way.
Footman. Madam, my lady was not at home, so I did not leave the message.
Lady Smart. This it is to send a fool of an errand.
Ld. Sparkish. [looking at his watch.] 'Tis past twelve o'clock.
Lady Smart. Well, what is that among all us?
Ld. Sparkish. Madam, I must take my leave: come, gentlemen, are you for a march?
Lady Smart. Well, but your lordship and the colonel will dine with us to day; and, Mr. Neverout, I hope, we shall have your good company: there will be no soul else, beside my own lord and these ladies; for every body knows I hate a crowd; I would rather want vittles than elbow room: we dine punctually at three.
Ld. Sparkish. Madam, we'll be sure to attend your ladyship.
Col. Madam, my stomach serves me instead of a clock.
Another Footman comes back.
Lady Smart. O! you are the t'other fellow I sent: well, have you been with my lady Club? you are good to send of a dead man's errand.
Footman. Madam, my lady Club begs your ladyship's pardon; but she is engaged to night.
Miss. Well, Mr. Neverout, here's the back of my hand to you.
Neverout. Miss, I find you will have the last word. Ladies, I am more yours than my own.
- ↑ The Treatise on Polite Conversation, being universally admired at Dublin, was exhibited at the Theatre in Aungier Street as a dramatick performance, and received great applause.
- ↑ "I retired hither for the publick good, having two great works in hand; one to reduce the whole politeness, wit, humour, and style of England into a short system for the use of all persons of quality, and particularly the maids of honour, &c." Letters to and from Dr. Swift.
- ↑ St. Anthony, having been originally a swineherd, was always painted with a pig following him. Hence, as St. Anthony was never seen without his pig, "To follow like a Tantiny pig," became a common saying, to express a person constantly attending at the heels of another.
- ↑ For St. Paul's church.